"Smile Like You Mean It..."

So there is this song by Mika called "Any Other World"...it's really good...go listen now. There is a part where he sings "smile like you mean it and let yourself go". There has always been this idea that you can fake yourself happy. If you put on a happy face and try to live positively even when life is literally killing you slowly, then eventually the goodness and happiness you put out into the world comes true. I'm personally here to tell you that i've been smiling like i mean it for about a month now and i'm only slightly beneath the notch above rock bottom...but that's not rock bottom and that's a very good thing.

I'm riding this feeling that just came over me about an hour ago and I'm really hoping I can hang onto it for a while. This last year has been so hard and it's slowly getting harder (and easier maybe?) in a lot of ways. I may have officially moved on from someone I never thought I would get over and that is so liberating and yet depressing at the same time. I feel like I have a very small window to make the right decision, and even though I know which decisions are the wrong ones, I still have no idea which way to go. I got a small glimpse of clarity tonight and I'm hoping my headstrong emotions don't get in the way again, at least for a little while.

I did a lot of walking in New York last week mainly because that's what we do in New York, but also because I had a lot of thinking to do and the only way i can get any thinking done is to literally move. My face was slightly braver and slightly happier there than it is right now, but the walking and the thinking still helped me move forward if only slightly.

I'm doing a lot of smiling lately. And crying. And hoping. And backtracking in the wrong direction. But mainly smiling. I hope someday soon I will start to mean it...