check it yo

so i'm not sure about the rest of the country, but my little boise town has had the MOST beautiful autumn ever.  ever.  but, sadly, today i woke up to a thick layer of frost and slushy rotting leaves on the ground.  my favorite time of the year is slowly being replaced but my least favorite time of year.  so in honor of the fantastic weather i have been blessed with...

i made a fall soundtrack! 

shocker.

i basically spent more hours on itunes than i did on homework so this is the inevitable result. 

some old, some new.  they all make me happy :)  and are getting me through some poor decisions i have been making lately.  (i think my problem solving skills are burned out from too many classes, leading me to not think anything through beforehand).  possibly poor decision #1...spending a crap load of money on itunes :)

1.  "Breathe Again" - Sara Bareilles
2.  "My Heart" (accoustic version) - The Perishers
3.  "Begin Again" - Colbie Caillat
4.  "Zebra" - Beach House
5.  "The Park" - Feist...(Where was this song when i lived in NYC???)
6.  "You Can Close Your Eyes" - Carly Simon...(LOOOVE this one)
7.  "Strip Me" - Natasha Bedingfield
8.  "Change of Time" - Josh Ritter
9.  "Birthday" - Kings of Leon...(cuz it was my birthday ;)
10.  "The End" - Allison Weiss
11.  "Overboard" - Ingrid Michaelson
12.  "Skinny Love" - Bon Iver
13.  "Tornado" - Jonsi
14.  "White Blank Page" - Mumford and Sons
15.  "The Outsiders" - Needtobreathe
16.  "Raise Your Glass" - Pink...(this one puts me in a good mood no matter what!)
17.  "Sweet Disposition" - The Temper Trap
18.  "Don't You Wanna Stay" - Jason Aldean w/ Kelly Clarkson...(normally i'm not big into country but this is. so. good.)

Soooo here's to fall!  I love it.  I will miss it when it's gone.  but i know it will be back soon. 

love!!
me

here we go again...

here's the line to the song i'm listening to right now...

"here we go again, I kind of want to be more than friends.  so take it easy on me, I'm afraid you're never satisfied"

Brilliant.

My itunes is better than any psychic. 

Do you ever get that feeling that something is on the verge of happening?  I do, and then it does.  And it usually isn't very good.

The last time I had this feeling was a few years ago.  There were 2 different boys involved.  I wasn't, for the record, dating either one.  No matter what anyone says...There were also 3 different girls.  One of them was me.  And I knew, I just knew, this was all going to blow up in my face.  And it did.  And I was guilty...in a way.  I was NOT dating either of them.  But I wasn't trying very hard to not date them either.

So here's the feeling again.  And since I tend to be right on when it comes to these things, I'm kind of terrified.  And a little excited.  And kind of guilty.  This time there are just 2 boys involved and only one girl.  Me.  I am not, for the record, dating either of them.  But I may be trying hard to.  Or trying hard to date one of them, and the other one is getting caught in the middle.  Here is the problem for me:  I'm not sure which one is which. 

How awful am I??? 

I want to state that one of these boys has hurt me, alot, in the past.  In fact, the next song itunes has given me tonight is also a pretty good match...

"I know i can't take one more step towards you, cuz all that's waiting is regret...I've learned to live, half alive, and now you want me one more time.  And who do you think you are running around leaving scars?  Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart."

I literally feel myself balancing, precariously high, and I know I'm about to fall.  I don't want to lose either one.  But I know that I only want one.  And by only getting one, I will have to lose the other. 

Something big is coming, I can really feel it.
Good thing neither of them live in the same state as me, or eachother for that matter. 

love & stuff...lots of stuff...

:)

lovin...

1.  My Roman history teacher.  Not in that way silly.  He's smart.  Sooo smart.
2.  "Begin Again" by Colbie Caillat -... "This is not the way that it should end, it's the way it should begin..."
3.  Pumpkin Pie pop tarts.  In.love.
4.  Season 1 of Gilmore Girls.  It will always be the best one :)
5.  Having gigantic crushes on doctors, firemen, the fabulously tattooed guy that sits in front of me in Roman history, and the boise state wide receiver.  Who cares that they have no idea I exist?
6.  Jainah.  She's like a real little person now. 
7.  Pistachios.  I have no idea why I never tried them before.  Better than doritos.
8.  OPI nail polish in "the color to watch".  Pretty...
9.  NYX eyeshadow in "flamingo".  It's kind of holographic?
10.  Forbidden text messages from someone that makes me smile.


Happy day after labor day!!!
(and day after bsu made some magic on the field)

wide receiver crush ;)

fantasticness

LOVE this!  Found it here

gotta get away....

Planning a trip is hard.
Especially when I have no money.
And my friends have no money.

I'm DYING to go back to New York.
I want to go meet Sarah's baby and eat In & Out in California.
Vegas.  ahhhh Vegas.

In my quest to make something more out of my life, I have added a second major in order to apparently drag out my college life until I'm 45.  This has required me to take....summer school :(.

I have already finished one 3 week early British Lit class, and I'm one week away from the end of a 5 week Victorian British Lit class.  That still leaves me with math (yuck) and art foundations.  Needless to say, I've created a pretty packed summer for myself. 

School is officially out August 13th.  This leaves me 10, TEN, days of summer freedom, and I am NOT staying in Idaho.  My brain already hurts from reading Frankenstein, Wuthering Heights, Lady Audley's Secret, Dracula, Heart of Darkness, Beowulf, and other assorted plays/poems/math problems.  If I survive the next half of the summer, I think I deserve a vacation. 

I just don't know where to go.....Anyone have a million dollars, or free plane tickets to give away? 

I'm kicking off a mini break this weekend (I do have Sunday off from work - first day off in...???)
To celebrate I watched the ever fabulous Factory Girl and drooled over Hayden Christiansen.  I will leave you all with this nice thought for the weekend...

Love &stuff
:)

11.5 hours and counting...

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.” 

~Carrie Bradshaw

"If we can't live together, then we're going to die alone"

ok here it goes....the day has arrived....big big big deep breath....i'm not sure i remember what life was like before Lost....what am i going to look forward to now???gearing up for the finale....i'm going to need these last 20 hours to figure out life after Lost...can.not.wait!

:)

"Don't look away, don't run away. Baby it's only life"

Ok so the season has officially changed.  We kinda slid right by Spring and are heading full on into Summer.  With the exception of some awesome spring-time thunderstorms and cool nights...Summer is right.around.the.corner :)  I'm a total believer in that seasonal mood disorder thing.  At the end of every season I've had enough, especially cold seasons.  I get grouchy and irritable and nobody is safe haha. 

For this very reason I decided that it's time for a new mix.  Most of my music is really good (I'm prideful enough to believe I have fairly good taste), but my kind of good good good music tends to be a little slow and chill.  I needed to get out of my winter time slumpy grumpy bluesy chill mood and find some upbeat get ready for the sun music.

So here ya go!  My May 2010 pray that it doesn't snow again or go below 50 degrees Mix!

1.  "Our Swords" - Band of Horses

2.  "Heaven is a Place on Earth" - Belinda Carlisle (nothing gets me in a good mood like the 80's)

3.  "All the Words" - The Bridges

4.  "Slowness" - Calexico (ok this one is pretty slow, but it just reeks of hot lazy summer days on my porch)

5.  "Back Together" - Citizen Cope

6.  "Hands" - Chantal Kreviazuk

7.  "Pony (it's ok)" - Erin McCarley

8.  "Afterglow" - Ian Axel

9.  "Running on Sunshine" - Jesus Jackson (the first line of this will make you fall in love with it :)

10.  "Spinster" - Joan Jett (spoiler alert:  This one has the f word.  She's an angry chick haha)

11.  "Come to Me" - Koop (has a total 50's dance hall feel)

12.  "Walking on Air" - Kerli  (p.s:  Kerli is kinda weird for those unaware, but totally awesome too :)

13.  "Bring Me Down" - Lenka

14.  "Stupid for You" - Marie Digby (SOOOO true hahahaha)

15.  "Your Love" - Midtown (seriously, the 80's will do it every time)

16.  "To Be With You" - Mr. Big (this one is on every mix I make.  It's my fave :)

17.  "Talk Show Host" - Radiohead (slooow, but i can actually see the wavy heat lines in the distance)

18.  "You Wouldn't Like Me" - Tegan and Sarah

19.  "Gotta Figure This Out" - Erin McCarley

20.  "Like a Prayer" - Glee Cast (Don't judge.  I love me some GLEE!!)

21.  "Take Me Anywhere" - Tegan and Sarah

22.  "It's Only Life" - Kate Voegle

23.  "Tea Party" - Kerli (from the Alice in Wonderland soundtrack :)

24.  "Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Glee Cast (sorry i cant help myself!)

25.  "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" - She & Him


So there you go!  It's long, but as most of you know, I have a problem with editing when it comes to music :)  Most of them have extra meaning because they literally relate to my life at the moment....but it puts me in a good mood, and it's not the radio!! 

Love and stuff :)

DeaL Breaker...

I like cute boys.
I like texting cute boys.
I like calling cute boys.
I like playing with cute boys.
but why is it ok for cute boys to text things like we should hang sometime
??????
um ok I am know thinking:
1) You have zero imagination and can’t even come up with the word movie - we should watch a movie sometime.
2) “Hang” is code for “hook up”. Ya I was 17 once.
3) You really want to see me, and aren’t man enough to admit it / are too cute and figure the girl will be falling all over herself to “hang” with you.
4) This puts the ball in my court. I don’t want the ball. The first ball in dating should never be in my court.
5) Your stupid overused phrase made me think too many complicated things, therefore I’m exhausted. You exhaust me.
I like cute boys.
This is a deal breaker.


loveandstuff...
:)

p.s
I am currently DROOLING over Jesse Williams from Grey's.

i would hang with him anytime ;)

planning...

So for as long as I can remember I've been writing down song lyrics that I hear that relate to whatever I'm going through at the time.  For the last few years I have been jotting them down in my planner because I use that at school and my ipod is glued to my head at school.  The other day I was listening to Regina Spektor's On the Radio for the 10 millionth time and the line "you try until you can't" hit me.  I wrote it down on the calendar and realized that this is my motto for life.  Life is not about giving up.  It's not about voluntary failure.  You try until you can't try anymore and then you can say that at least you tried. 

Lately I've been feeling that urge to just throw in the towel.  It's normal for this time of year I think.  School is winding down and getting hard and BORING and since I am not sure I want to do anything with my future degree, it's really feeling like a waste of time.  But I KNOW I have to finish.  I know it won't be a waste of time and hopefully somewhere along the road to the end I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up :)  and if I don't, I will just try to figure it out, until I can't.  However long that takes...

Love and Regina Spektor stuff :)

p.s.  I'm opening up the polls to find out the next place I should live.  I graduate in 8 months and basically the world is at my feet!  Leave a comment with your opinion of where I should move next!  Please keep in mind that I HATE all things freezing cold and super rainy and windy (I'm a weather snob) so Antartica, Alaska, and most parts of Canada will not be viewed as reasonable options :)

giveaway giveaway!

So my last post was all about makeup and my semi inappropriate feelings of love I have towards it.  This post is similar.  But the awesomeness is expanded to include a fabulous giveaway.  Just follow this link:

http://laurensdressingroom.blogspot.com/2010/03/100-followers-gigantic-giveaway-worth.html

It takes you to the cutest blog by a super cute girl who is giving away some super cute stuff.  Enter to win!  Then cross your fingers that I will win ;)

Love and stuff:)

Makeup ...listening to The Weepies.

Makeup.  Just the word instills a sense of reverence from me.  I LOVE makeup.  Buying it makes me happy, wearing it makes me happy, and there really is nothing better than finding a product I love.  I literally spend all my money on food, books, and makeup.  It's become such a problem that trips to the mall with friends have to be arranged so that I don't come in any contact with Sephora.  I have no self control :)  So when my good friend Ashley started selling Mark makeup (a newer youth inspired line from Avon) I took the opportunity to look into the line.  You can look too here http://aswartzlander.mymarkstore.com/  Now I am a little bit prejudiced about the kind of makeup products I buy.  For me, Avon was all about old people and purple lipstick.  Everytime I think of Avon, I think of Edward Scissorhands and "Avon calling!"  I love the movie, but it did leave a little negative thought towards Avon.

I know that isn't totally true, but I never was interested in Mark because of its affiliation with Avon.  So I went to Ashley's website one day to see what was up and felt my heart skip a beat at the LOW PRICES and fun assortment of stuff.  Lets just say I bought ALOT of makeup.  But I only spent $40 and I got a couple fun freebies and free shipping!  $40 at Sephora would get me a nail polish and some concealer.  Needless to say, so far I'm a fan.

This is what I bought:

Mark Just Pinched Instant Blush Tint in Cheeky $7

I knew from the reviews I read that Cheeky was a pretty translucent color and boy is it ever.  When I first tried it I felt like there wasn't any color at all.  (I'm pretty pale)  So I decided to use it over powder blush to give a little bit of a dewy glow and loved it.  I'm addicted to powder foundation, but when I used a tinted moisturizer with a light dusting of powder I found that all I needed was this blush and I get a cute pink glow.  I am a huge fan of this and just ordered another one in Peachy.  It is a little bit small, but it's going to go a long way and for the price it's awesome.

Mark Speedway Do Everything Makeup in Nude $9

 This is by far my favorite item I bought.  I use it as an all over concealer because it has concealer type coverage with a foundation feel.  It doesn't cake at all which is always a concern of mine (I hate cake!)  For my winter paleness I possibly could have gone one shade lighter, but it is still a very good match.  I don't get much color in the summer (not a fan of skin cancer haha) so this will be absolutely perfect for the half a shade darker I will get :)  It's the same size as the blush tint (a little small) but it doesn't require a big amount and again, can't beat the price!

Mark Hook Up Angled Eye Shadow Brush $6

This brush is so neat!!  It comes in a regular brush as well but I got this in a hook up size.  The brush size is the same but it is half as long and comes with a hook up that can be used with any other Mark hook up product.  It's currently attatched to some lipgloss which saves a bunch of room in my makeup bag.  It also comes with a lid which is perfect because I hate when my brushes get makeup all over the place in my bag.  It's fluffy so it's perfect for blending and the angle makes it great to get color in the crease of my eyes.

Mark Gloss Gorgeous Stay On Lip Stain in Bare $9

I took a little risk buying this one because I have pale skin with a reddish tint so I usually steer clear of most red/pink colored lip glosses.  I also hate lipstick so this seemed like a good combo of gloss and stay put color.  Bare is a great color.  It makes my lips a little more bold, but it's more like a wash of translucent berry color.  And the best part is that after the gloss wears off, the color stays put.  I have noticed lately that my lips are a bit drier than usual when I'm not wearing anything on them.  I can't say for certain that this is why, but I'm definately going to keep using it and probably just prep with a little chapstick :)

Mark Good Riddance Hook Up Concealer in Light/Medium $6

Ok I for this one I should have definately gone with the lighter shade.  As I said before, I'm very pale and the light/medium is an exact match for the circles under my eyes (not good if I'm trying to make those circles invisible).  Concealer should usually be a touch lighter than the rest of my makeup so needless to say, this will not be used.  I ended up giving it to my mom and she loves it!  It gives good coverage and is smooth enough so it doesn't pull the skin.  It is on the smaller side (about half the length of a pencil, but about twice as wide) but for $6, shoot.

So all in all it was a very good $39.22 spent.  Don't forget that I also received FREE SHIPPING for my order over $25 and a free hookup connector for buying two hook up items (a $6 value).  So far I'm a Mark fan!  I just put in another order for about $80.  I think I hit the motherload.  I will blog about those items when they arrive!  If you want to try Mark go here to get started  http://aswartzlander.mymarkstore.com/  

LOve and stuff :)

"and in my mind the sun shines all the time..."

Hi guys!  So I'm sure all of you are just as ready as I am for SUMMER.  I seriously feel like it's been at least a year since last summer.  Today I randomly had the radio on because my cd was irritating me and the radio played LFO's Summer Girl!  That took me back to high school and just driving around with the windows down and nothing to worry about.  Boy did I want to be the girl that wears Abercrombie and Fitch ha ha. 

Last summer for me meant:

1.  White water rafting.  It's a summer tradition for all of the cool kids at work to raft the Payette and we have a BLAST.  This year I am not getting thrown in.  I'M NOT!

2.  Serious stressing about moving to NYC.

3.  An extremely quick wasteoftime trip to New York to find an apartment.

4.  Saying goodbye to Boise.  Sadness.  Excitement.  More sadness.  Dread...

5.  Lots of thai food and popsicles.

Now I do fully understand that summer has a couple of months before it will officially appear and I am more than happy to enjoy spring as long as spring doesn't mean snow and rain and COLD! 

While I am patiently...patiently...waiting for summer to arrive...

1.  I'm regularly procrastinating all my school projects.  I came up with the bright idea to write my huge term paper on Banksy, Basquiat, and postcolonialism.  WHY didn't I choose feminism????

2.  I literally watched the blossoms bloom on the tree in my neighborhood today.  It's possibly my favorite time of year.  As long as it's warm.

3.  Walking down the street in the West Village singing "popcorn popping on the apricot tree!"  It was so beautiful.

4.  Listening to Jimmy Eat World whenever I have a problem or am feeling down.  They are the cure for anything.

5.  Letting Pierce Brosnan, Meryl Streep and ABBA tell me how to live my life..."Standing calmly at the crossroads, no desire to run..."

CAN NOT WAIT for summer.

love and stuff :)

p.s.  I will NOT get thrown out this year ;)

i want it.

“ It’s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you’ve got it, you want — oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!"
~Mark Twain

ugly stepsister's lament

The Stepsister's Lament from Cinderella (the one with Brandy)

We haven't stopped singing songs from musicals for the last couple of hours which is probably making Rachel's neighbors love us a whole lot, and when we got to this version of Cinderella, I never realized how much more I relate to the ugly stepsisters than Cinderella

Why should a fellow want a girl like her a frail and fluffy beauty why can't a fellow ever once prefer a solid girl like me

She's a frothy little bubble with a flimsy kind of charm and with very little trouble I could break her little arm.

Oh, oh why would a fellow want a girl like her so obviously unusual why can't a fellow ever once prefer a usual girl like me

Her cheeks are a pretty shade of pink, but not any pinker than roses

Her skin may be delicate and soft, but not any softer than a doe's is

Her neck is no whiter than a swan's

She's only as dainty as a daisy

She's only as graceful as a bird!

So why is the fellow going crazy?

oh why would a fellow want a girl like her,

a girl who's merely lovely, why can't a fellow ever once prefer a girl who's merely me

She's a frothy little bubble with a frilly sort of air And with very little trouble I could pull out all her hair!

oh why would a fellow want a girl like her, a girl who's merely lovely, why can't a fellow ever once prefer a girl who's merely me

What's the matter with the man, what's the matter with the man, what's the matter with the man?!!

"no hope no love no glory, no happy ending..."

Just looking through old pictures and feeling sorry for myself :(  Why is it that the people who are never supposed to let you down always end up disappearing?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm awake and this is going to be a rambling mess because my computer says it's 5:59 am.  Since my computer is on new york time that means it's actually 3:59 am in boise and I am awake!  I'm having one of those celebratory nights when I have officially made it past all my mid terms and foreseeable papers and basically get to live stress free for about 14 and a half days!  I took a long bubble bath and am basically finished reading this:

My mom is going to be so happy.  She's been begging me to read it for like a year and I can finally say that after about 15 boring chapters and 35 skimmed pages, I finally found myself totally interested and couldn't put it down.  Literally.  I spent 2 hours in the bath and refilled like 4 times to keep it warm.  Now I'm watching this:

Possibly the greatest show EVER made.  It may seem strange that I'm still awake and invested in gilmore things and blogging when my computer is reminding me that the sun is rising and the east coast is waking right about now.  But I am not opening the bar tomorrow for the first time in a hundred years so I have the fabulous feeling of knowing I can sleep as long as I want or until 5:30 when I have to go back to work.  I'm also craving one of these:

If burger king was closer there is a good chance I would be hitting up the drive thru right about now.  But I will settle for Gilmore Girls.  Kirk just came on for the first time.  Does anyone remember Kirk before Kirk was Kirk?

"Rorie!  Try a plum, they're better than sex!"  Miss Pattie (GG)
"I'm attracted to pie that doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie..."  Lorelai (GG)

:) Peace out yo!  Wish me goodnight, I'm going to attempt to sleep!

"Life's candy and the suns a ball of butter!"

Things that are making this week great!!

1.  Finished my powerpoint presentation AND my museum critique paper.  Now just one midterm tomorrow and I'm home free for SPRING BREAK and NYC in two weeks :)

2.  Wore short sleeves AND sandals on the same day!  Here comes Spring!!

3.  The buds on the trees at school are opening and lawn mowing has commenced!

4.  Found a jewelry seller on Etsy that I want to live with so she can make me stuff all day long.

5.  Bought this!  My first vintage piece that didn't belong to my grandma!

6.  And this from the jewelry girl I now consider my newbestfriend

7.  Decided to plan my first party!  Starting with this lovely lady's 3rd birthday!

8.  Having "happy hour" with Cass in about an hour that will probably overly intoxicate us with diet coke and calamari.

9.  Officially counting down to NYC (12 days)

10.  Having this for my late late late night snack

the end :)

30 Day Song Challenge

30 Day Song Challenge

So I saw this on a random blog and decided to do it.  Shows ya how bored I am...but I also like writing this kind of stuff down so that when i'm 80 and can't remember my name, i can read this and remember what my favorite song was this year :)

Day 01 - Your favorite song:  "To Be With You" Mr. Big

Day 02 - Your least favorite song:  "Bed Rock" Lil Wayne

Day 03 - A song that makes you happy:  "Sympathetic Vibrations" The Paper Raincoat

Day 04 - A song that makes you sad: "Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart" Alicia Keys

Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone:  "Battlefield" Jordin Sparks

Day 06 - A song that reminds of you of somewhere:  "Dance" Elisa

Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event:  "Crash" Dave Matthews Band

Day 08 - A song that you know all the words to:  "Sweetness" Jimmy Eat World

Day 09 - A song that you can dance to: "For Your Entertainment" Adam Lambert

Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep:  "Cannonball" Damien Rice

Day 11 - A song from your favorite band:  "Work" Jimmy Eat World

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate:  "Lips of an Angel" Hinder

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure: "Crazy Bitch" Buckcherry

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love:  "Behind Blue Eyes" Fred Durst

Day 15 - A song that describes you:  "Rhiannon" Fleetwood Mac

Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate:  "Collide" Howie Day

Day 17 - A song that you hear often on the radio:  "Empire State of Mind" Jay Z

Day 18 - A song that you wish you heard on the radio:  "Ferris Wheels" I Am Kloot

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album:  "Lights" Journey

Day 20 - A song that you listen to when you’re angry: "Why" Mandi Perkins

Day 21 - A song that you listen to when you’re happy:  "You've Got The Love" Florence & the Machine

Day 22 - A song that you listen to when you’re sad:  "What If You" Joshua Radin

Day 23 - A song that you want to play at your wedding:  "Take Me Home Tonight" Eddie Money

Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral: "Dream" Priscilla Ahn

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh: "Wannabe" Spice Girls

Day 26 - A song that you can play on an instrument:  "A Kiss To Build A Dream On"

Day 27 - A song that you wish you could play:  "Theme from Sabrina"

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty:  "Need You Now"  Lady Antebellum

Day 29 - A song from your childhood:  "Back In Black" AC/DC

Day 30 - Your favorite song at this time last year:  "Maneater" Nelly Furtado

OK. so i know my life has been in a constant state of confusion and apprehension for the future and you would think that in my quest to silence my worries and doubts, that i would make some sort of effort to find a decision. Even a tentative one. Instead, i have now added the idea of california to my long list of uncertainties. CALIFORNIA. sure, i love it. southern california takes a very high 2nd place on my list of foreseeable future places to live. Sarah is there with a brand new baby for me to keep a safe distance from. it's basically warm year round which is all i ask for out of life. but where did the idea come from???? it literally just popped into my head today while i was sitting at lunch with caroline. it's always been an option of course, but a long shot because, if i could move somewhere, it's going to be new york city, right? RIGHT?? (I'm actually asking here because now i have no idea) What is wrong with me?? I feel like i'm graduating from high school all over again instead of from college. so my current options are to

1.  Stay put.

2.  New York...and do...???

3.  California...and do...???

4.  Travel. 

hummm  maybe i can let all my stuff stay put, travel, and hopefully figure out what i should do...maybe i just answered my own question...

peace out yo!  gotta go look into some travel options :)

boys.

he asked me today why i was so sad.
i said it was because of boys.
he said i should stop letting boys make me sad and look for a man.
apparently men don’t make women sad.
i just stared at him.
i wanted to tell him that i had found the boy that i wished could be a man.
i wanted to tell him that everything would be all right if HE would be a man.
but all he will be is a boy.
so i just stared at him.

listen

I love love love this song!  JJ Heller - Your Hands

when my world is shaking, heaven stands
when my heart is breaking
i never leave your hands
your hands
your hands that shape the world
are holding me
they hold me still

The video is really good.  The way her husband looks at her while she sings is amazing.  I love discovering or rediscovering music.  Especially at a time when I really need to hear something.  Sometimes I think that God answers my prayers in the form of music.  There is a lot that I'm going through right now.  I don't always feel like there is anyone that I can turn to.  Then I hear songs like this and I think that for just a moment, I'm not going through these things alone. 

i am trying to understand
how to walk this weary land
make straight the paths that crooked lie
oh Lord before these feet of mine

confusion

So I'm having one of those senior year style panic attacks...I have realized, probably much too late, that I may or may not (hence the confusion) like art history.  Sure I enjoy looking at and learning about art.  But I'm coming to the terrifying conclusion that looking and learning may be as far as I want to go.  basically i'm not sure i'm ready to marry this art history thing and commit to an eternity of grad school.  So as I slooooowly make my way to the middle of the year and prepare to graduate, all I feel is stuck.  I know that I want to move back to New York, and I know without any doubt or confusion at all that my life as a waitress must be done.  I have given that relationship 6 whole years of my life and while it has taught me invaluable lessons about character and perseverance, it has drained me to my very last drop of dignity and patience.  I want to move to New York and I want someone to say "hey meaghan i have the perfect job for you!"  I want to work an 8 - 5 job.  I want nights off to go on a date or hang out with friends.  I want to know what the weekend looks like outside of a restraunt.  I want a "real job" and at this point in my confusion filled life, I'm not sure I even care what kind of job it is.  I'm back to square one, and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

“Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We’ve got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.”

—	D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterly’s Lover

"she's a city girl"

ok kids.  sorry it's been about a gazillion years since i have updated anything.  so here's a quick rundown of what's been going on since boise was so lucky to have me back.

1.  got my job at carino's back.  love that place.  love those people.  hate that job.  i'm completely 100% over being a server.  which is good, considering i probably only have to do it for another 50 years or so.

2.  broncos went to (and won) the fiesta bowl.  duh.  no question that would happen.  ummm why aren't they in a national championship?

3.  food from goldies, java, cheesecake factory, and ihop.  i sure missed boise.

4.  pouted on my living room floor almost every single night because nobody delivers anything but pizza here.

5.  started school out strong (yay) dropped a couple classes (cuz that's what i do) and preparing to apply for graduation at the end of december (yep it's almost official)

6.  completely 195% decided to return to new york after graduation.  i have no idea what will await me there...school, internship, another dreaded serving job??  don't care.  just gonna go!

7.  hmm what else...oh yeah.  bought a car!  for like $800 no joke.  it's fabulous.  i'm thinking her name is martha, but since i won't be driving her next year, maybe i shouldn't get too attached.

8.  read every single twilight book in the last 30 days (sorry vanessa) and then to balance some that nonsense out, started anna karenina.  again.  maybe i will finish it by the time i'm 40.

9.  went to church (once) went to the gym (tonight) and spent a million dollars at sephora (see i haven't changed at all)

10.  the most important thing i have done since returning has been...buying a plane ticket back!!  i will be enjoying the fabulous subway and old hotdog smells of new york at the end of march!  make a paper chain!  start counting down the days!  stock your refrigerators up with diet coke!!

soooo...as you can see, not much has been going on.  but give me a break, i've only been home for a month :)