"Smile Like You Mean It..."

So there is this song by Mika called "Any Other World"...it's really good...go listen now. There is a part where he sings "smile like you mean it and let yourself go". There has always been this idea that you can fake yourself happy. If you put on a happy face and try to live positively even when life is literally killing you slowly, then eventually the goodness and happiness you put out into the world comes true. I'm personally here to tell you that i've been smiling like i mean it for about a month now and i'm only slightly beneath the notch above rock bottom...but that's not rock bottom and that's a very good thing.

I'm riding this feeling that just came over me about an hour ago and I'm really hoping I can hang onto it for a while. This last year has been so hard and it's slowly getting harder (and easier maybe?) in a lot of ways. I may have officially moved on from someone I never thought I would get over and that is so liberating and yet depressing at the same time. I feel like I have a very small window to make the right decision, and even though I know which decisions are the wrong ones, I still have no idea which way to go. I got a small glimpse of clarity tonight and I'm hoping my headstrong emotions don't get in the way again, at least for a little while.

I did a lot of walking in New York last week mainly because that's what we do in New York, but also because I had a lot of thinking to do and the only way i can get any thinking done is to literally move. My face was slightly braver and slightly happier there than it is right now, but the walking and the thinking still helped me move forward if only slightly.

I'm doing a lot of smiling lately. And crying. And hoping. And backtracking in the wrong direction. But mainly smiling. I hope someday soon I will start to mean it...

"these thoughts run through my head...over and over..."

things i love...as of April 25th...subject to change...

*This Anberlin song:  Paperthin Hymn (hence the title of this post... "I thought you said forever over and over")  It reminds of me of lunch breaks with Catey 4 years ago...

*Miriam.  She fixed my million dollar boots in less than 10 seconds.  Because she's Miriam and I knew she could.

*That I can count the days I have left in my linguistics class on ONE hand

*Two hour long conversations about things that we hate...mixed with way too much caffeine and way too much giggling and dirty jokes...

*Dirty jokes

*Early morning hikes before anyone else is out.

*80's and 90's movie marathons.  Just knocked out all 4 Screams and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Moving on to Jurassic Park and I Know What You Did Last Summer.

*KNOWING that I look like the creepy girl crawling out of the well on The Ring when I wake up and being pleasantly surprised walking past a mirror and realizing that washing my face before bed DOES work sometimes!

*Peanut butter banana toast

*Rediscovering my love for Seth Cohen

*Tuesday/Thursday early morning study dates with the criminal justice majors.  they are more fun than english majors.


what's irritating me right now...also subject to change

*That it is literally 80 degrees in this room (it is i checked) and I'm practically sweating, but my feet are freezing.

*People that get married / engaged / procreate and suddenly have new facebook and blog identities.  Like Sara Jones married Bobby Wright and their facebooks merge to become Sara and Bobby Wright.  Sick.  Or Sara Wright has babies and suddenly she is Jason and Sophie's mom.  Sicker.

*Unnecessary road rage.  I'm all for necessary and passive aggressive road rage that no one else can see, but flipping people off if you're over the age of 15?  Grow up people.

*That I'm in a strange town right now and I can't find a Starbucks.

*This act of God weather we've been having.  I just need it to be like 10 degrees warmer ok?  Then it can rain and hail all you want.

*That when my phone wakes me up in the middle of the night I have completely forgotten how to use it.  So I end up calling a random person, texting back something in another language, and not finding the off switch for the alarm so I just rip the battery off.  Not good when I need the alarm an hour later.

sometimes i just want to stay...

I heard that song again today. You know, that song, about that One, that reminds me of that time. It isn't hard to hear it. It's on the radio just about every 10 minutes, but I usually turn it off. I didn't this time.

It's amazing how much love I have for this song. It describes so many moments so perfectly and yet makes me kinda sad at the same time...If you listen to it really loud, with the lights off, it's almost like magic.

love &stuff...

how you know the semester is winding down...

1.  There are piles of clothes on my floor.  as in multiple.  as in some clean, some dirty, and they are getting big enough that now i'm not sure which is which.

2.  You will find me at any time of day or night, sitting in bed with layer upon layer of clothes because at one time or another i was hot, or cold and too lazy to take off the shorts to put on the sweats, thus the shorts, sweats, t shirt, sweatshirt, 2 pairs of socks combo going on right now.

3.  The Starbucks guy at barnes & noble knows my name.  and my order.  and my major.  and what paper i'm working on.  and what i'm listening to on itunes.

4.  The Starbucks guy or girl at any Starbucks in the general area knows my name.  and my order.  and my major.

5.  There are currently 3 giant mugs of tea, and 6 empty Starbucks / Moxie Java cups scattered about my room.  And not because I haven't cleaned my room in the last couple weeks.  But because I have accumulated them in the last 2 DAYS.

6.  My awesome organizational system that began the semester has completely broken down.  I'm living out of 3 school bags and basically running out of paper so I'm writing notes on whatever i can find and shoving them in whatever bag i happen to be carrying.  Not good when I get to linguistics with my shakespeare notes.

7.  Six papers due next week.  Not a single one started.

8.  Losing motivation for every single thing.  Including going to the gym, reading my assignments, going to class, going to work, writing papers, eating...this blog post...

9.  I'm choosing to reject the fact that winter is basically still hanging around.  I wore shorts, flip flops, and a cardigan yesterday.  It snowed, hailed, and rained.

10.  I washed my sheets.  Two weeks ago.  They are laying around somewhere in the before mentioned piles of clothes...

11.  I am in possession of  more library books than books i own because of 300 research papers that i am about to write.

12.  5th (and hopefully last) parking ticket paid!

13.  I get distracted by componential analysis while i'm taking a bubble bath.  and have to get out.

"just looking at a cheesburger makes me gain 5 pounds..."

ok confession time.  I'm a total stalker.  In high school this word could have possibly been used literally to describe me (don't judge, I liked a lot of boys, I had a car, and a very boring life...ok judge a little...) but now I save my stalking for the blog world.  I've ran across quite a few blogs lately that I love to read, mainly because these women have such hopeful outlooks on life.  They aren't perfect and most of them struggle daily and I can relate so much sometimes I forget I don't know them in the "real world".

Lately all of these lovely bloggers have been bombarding me with posts about food, recipes on how to make food, and ideas of where to go get food.  Don't get me wrong, I love food more than I love my grandma (joke...kinda), but my culinary skills involve knowing how to choose diet coke over regular and making a kick ass batch of mac and cheese...from a box.

Cooking has never been very necessary for me.  I live within about 3 blocks from 4 McDonalds and I work in an Italian restaurant.  Basically someone else always does it for me.  When I lived in New York I was a take out/delivery pro.  Pretty much every day someone showed up on my doorstep with dinner and if it wasn't the cafe down the street, it was Rachel with a bag of dove dark chocolates...also considered dinner.

So now, all these bloggers that I stalk religiously are making me rethink my food related goals in life.  I, Meaghan, want to learn how to cook.  I pride myself on those 2 times I successfully made a turkey with only about 6 phone calls to mom, so...how hard can it be...right?  I hear Thanksgiving dinner is supposed to be the hardest so I must have natural talent for cooking...right?

RIGHT???  We'll see.  These food blog posts are seriously making me consider dropping out of school so I can practice making...wait for it...COOKIE DOUGH CINNAMON ROLLS...I mean, seriously, I think I just fell in love.

 

get some here :)

LOVELOVELOVE &STUFF :)

P.S...36 more days until NYC...

want to know what i did today??

ok so I'm not gonna lie...these last few months basically sucked.  I'm generally a usually the glass is half full kind of person, but lately my glass has been looking pretty empty and these last few weeks...bone dry.  school sucks, drama sucks, work sucks...boys really suck :(...and to make matters worse...all of it, I'm talking ALL of it, is basically stemming from some seriously mega bad decision making on my part.

I'm typically the responsible, run and tell on everyone who does bad things (including myself) kind of girl.  I once felt so guilty about breaking a rule that I told my mom I did it, 5 whole minutes after I did it.  My conscience gets the best of me every.single.time which is why I think my entire state of being is in shock over the mistake that I'm currently digging myself out of.  And holy hell it's a doozy.  

Sooooo....because I'm also the type of girl who sometimes needs to just run away for a bit, and because I fully believe that this is true:

 

my very best friend and I are running, (well flying actually) away.

 

It's been 1 year since I've stood on my favorite street corner, with my favorite NYC friend...

 

Or taken the subway to my favorite stop that I called home.

 

So basically it's been long enough.  I need a break.  I need to find myself again and it seems like the only place I can ever really do that is right on those streets, the only place I've ever felt at home...

and because there is only so long one can go without a really good red velvet cupcake :)

love &stuff:)

Muggle Hater (Harry Potter)

because there are so many other things i should be doing...

ummm i just realized that my phone has a "saved messages" feature and there are tons of saved text messages in there.  of mine of course, but since i didn't even know it could do that, i'm not sure how they ended up saved.  let's just say it was awesome to reread some stuff and (because, as previously mentioned, i prefer to textually communicate at all times) embarrassing to remember some of the interesting convo's i've had...here's some of the great one liners i found...out of context so they are even that much better...

*"Pinkberry delivers!"
*"DO IT DO IT DO IT"
*"How is Renaissance homosexuality coming along?"
*"Stop f-ing texting"
*"Santa doesn't bring me food in the middle of October"
*"Should be about noodles.  Or bras"
*"Swimsuit bubble bath.  Just named it"
*"Watch your back and look for my icy stare when I see you"
*"The only one I've ever been to was the naked one"
*"Do I need to talk you into it?"
*"I'm usually not very lucky.  I like to refer to it as skill"
*"You're kinda like yoda to me"
*"I have big hips though"
*"I hate freshmen"
*"I'm just a little guy that's not very tough looking.  You look like you could beat some people"
*"Every girl likes a little slap in the right setting"
*Weird.  Were you just like...dang I miss his pants"


fabulous.

love& stuff~

Someday Girl...

"and I'd be happy to adore him from a distance,

but knowing he adores me from a distance,

makes this hard."

~Stolen by Julie Moffit

As usual I'm defining my current life situations with song lyrics...

I'm reading a book for class right now called Tripmaster Monkey: His Fake Book.  No joke.  That's what it's called.  I'm only on page 14 and it. is. awesome.  I'm so in love with literature right now that all it takes is a really well written sentence to make my eyes well up with tears.  Yes it's true.  I'm a huge book dork.

The narrator has a dream girl that he is waiting to meet.  He calls her Someday Girl.  "O Someday Girl, find him and admire him for his interests.  And dig his allusions.  And laugh sincerely at his jokes."  I get it.  I totally want to be his Someday Girl...or maybe I'm the one looking for a Someday Boy...or maybe I already found him...but probably not. 

There is a Right Now Boy.  Who has become such an important part of my life in the last few years that he has become an important part of me.  He can't be my Someday Boy though and that makes it even harder to know that I'm going to have to be someone else's Someday Girl.  Love sucks.  And it's hard.  But I hear it's supposed to be worth it...I'm learning a HUGE amount of hard life lessons right now.  I'm in the rough stage where I'm still sticking my hand on the stove to test the heat.  I know it's going to burn.  Everybody told me it's going to burn, but I think I have to experience it for myself to really learn my lesson. 

Why is it that I still go through with all of this when I know how it's going to end?  Because he has saved me.  More times than I can count.  More times than he knows.

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with." ~Juno.

What you don't know is...

I love going to the dentist.  LOVE it.  Especially when I have a cavity.  It's a good pain.

I hate reading things that are assigned to me.  If you told me I was going to be graded on reading my favorite book, I wouldn't read it.

I love learning.  I cried after I left my last art history class because I knew I would never sit in a classroom and learn about Dutch paintings again.

I crave diet coke like a drug addict craves heroin.  I'm trying hard to quit.  But I'm about to go buy one right now.

I'd rather text someone than call them.  Even before texting existed I hated phone calls.  Texting is the best.

If a boy I like sends me good morning texts or I miss you texts, I basically fall in love.  Basically.

I'm double majoring and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  And I'm pretty sure I'm grown up.  Oops.

I love building forts and having sleepovers and watching 90's chick flicks.  Maybe I haven't quite grown up yet afterall.

I lose interest in a guy if they don't like sports.  I dated a guy who wanted to go see a movie during the last game of the world series.  We aren't dating anymore.

In my house, the Superbowl is bigger than Christmas.  You show up, you dress in the right colors, and you don't speak during the really good parts.  I actually didn't attend any Christmas family events this year.  Nobody noticed.  But I wasn't planning on being home for the Superbowl and I was almost disowned.

I would rather be dirt poor and live in my parents basement but have travelled to every country than to be rich and bored.

I'm listening to Adele's new album right now.  Shoot.  Go get it.

love& stuff :)

check it yo

so i'm not sure about the rest of the country, but my little boise town has had the MOST beautiful autumn ever.  ever.  but, sadly, today i woke up to a thick layer of frost and slushy rotting leaves on the ground.  my favorite time of the year is slowly being replaced but my least favorite time of year.  so in honor of the fantastic weather i have been blessed with...

i made a fall soundtrack! 

shocker.

i basically spent more hours on itunes than i did on homework so this is the inevitable result. 

some old, some new.  they all make me happy :)  and are getting me through some poor decisions i have been making lately.  (i think my problem solving skills are burned out from too many classes, leading me to not think anything through beforehand).  possibly poor decision #1...spending a crap load of money on itunes :)

1.  "Breathe Again" - Sara Bareilles
2.  "My Heart" (accoustic version) - The Perishers
3.  "Begin Again" - Colbie Caillat
4.  "Zebra" - Beach House
5.  "The Park" - Feist...(Where was this song when i lived in NYC???)
6.  "You Can Close Your Eyes" - Carly Simon...(LOOOVE this one)
7.  "Strip Me" - Natasha Bedingfield
8.  "Change of Time" - Josh Ritter
9.  "Birthday" - Kings of Leon...(cuz it was my birthday ;)
10.  "The End" - Allison Weiss
11.  "Overboard" - Ingrid Michaelson
12.  "Skinny Love" - Bon Iver
13.  "Tornado" - Jonsi
14.  "White Blank Page" - Mumford and Sons
15.  "The Outsiders" - Needtobreathe
16.  "Raise Your Glass" - Pink...(this one puts me in a good mood no matter what!)
17.  "Sweet Disposition" - The Temper Trap
18.  "Don't You Wanna Stay" - Jason Aldean w/ Kelly Clarkson...(normally i'm not big into country but this is. so. good.)

Soooo here's to fall!  I love it.  I will miss it when it's gone.  but i know it will be back soon. 

love!!
me

here we go again...

here's the line to the song i'm listening to right now...

"here we go again, I kind of want to be more than friends.  so take it easy on me, I'm afraid you're never satisfied"

Brilliant.

My itunes is better than any psychic. 

Do you ever get that feeling that something is on the verge of happening?  I do, and then it does.  And it usually isn't very good.

The last time I had this feeling was a few years ago.  There were 2 different boys involved.  I wasn't, for the record, dating either one.  No matter what anyone says...There were also 3 different girls.  One of them was me.  And I knew, I just knew, this was all going to blow up in my face.  And it did.  And I was guilty...in a way.  I was NOT dating either of them.  But I wasn't trying very hard to not date them either.

So here's the feeling again.  And since I tend to be right on when it comes to these things, I'm kind of terrified.  And a little excited.  And kind of guilty.  This time there are just 2 boys involved and only one girl.  Me.  I am not, for the record, dating either of them.  But I may be trying hard to.  Or trying hard to date one of them, and the other one is getting caught in the middle.  Here is the problem for me:  I'm not sure which one is which. 

How awful am I??? 

I want to state that one of these boys has hurt me, alot, in the past.  In fact, the next song itunes has given me tonight is also a pretty good match...

"I know i can't take one more step towards you, cuz all that's waiting is regret...I've learned to live, half alive, and now you want me one more time.  And who do you think you are running around leaving scars?  Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart."

I literally feel myself balancing, precariously high, and I know I'm about to fall.  I don't want to lose either one.  But I know that I only want one.  And by only getting one, I will have to lose the other. 

Something big is coming, I can really feel it.
Good thing neither of them live in the same state as me, or eachother for that matter. 

love & stuff...lots of stuff...

:)

lovin...

1.  My Roman history teacher.  Not in that way silly.  He's smart.  Sooo smart.
2.  "Begin Again" by Colbie Caillat -... "This is not the way that it should end, it's the way it should begin..."
3.  Pumpkin Pie pop tarts.  In.love.
4.  Season 1 of Gilmore Girls.  It will always be the best one :)
5.  Having gigantic crushes on doctors, firemen, the fabulously tattooed guy that sits in front of me in Roman history, and the boise state wide receiver.  Who cares that they have no idea I exist?
6.  Jainah.  She's like a real little person now. 
7.  Pistachios.  I have no idea why I never tried them before.  Better than doritos.
8.  OPI nail polish in "the color to watch".  Pretty...
9.  NYX eyeshadow in "flamingo".  It's kind of holographic?
10.  Forbidden text messages from someone that makes me smile.


Happy day after labor day!!!
(and day after bsu made some magic on the field)

wide receiver crush ;)

fantasticness

LOVE this!  Found it here

gotta get away....

Planning a trip is hard.
Especially when I have no money.
And my friends have no money.

I'm DYING to go back to New York.
I want to go meet Sarah's baby and eat In & Out in California.
Vegas.  ahhhh Vegas.

In my quest to make something more out of my life, I have added a second major in order to apparently drag out my college life until I'm 45.  This has required me to take....summer school :(.

I have already finished one 3 week early British Lit class, and I'm one week away from the end of a 5 week Victorian British Lit class.  That still leaves me with math (yuck) and art foundations.  Needless to say, I've created a pretty packed summer for myself. 

School is officially out August 13th.  This leaves me 10, TEN, days of summer freedom, and I am NOT staying in Idaho.  My brain already hurts from reading Frankenstein, Wuthering Heights, Lady Audley's Secret, Dracula, Heart of Darkness, Beowulf, and other assorted plays/poems/math problems.  If I survive the next half of the summer, I think I deserve a vacation. 

I just don't know where to go.....Anyone have a million dollars, or free plane tickets to give away? 

I'm kicking off a mini break this weekend (I do have Sunday off from work - first day off in...???)
To celebrate I watched the ever fabulous Factory Girl and drooled over Hayden Christiansen.  I will leave you all with this nice thought for the weekend...

Love &stuff
:)

11.5 hours and counting...

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.” 

~Carrie Bradshaw

"If we can't live together, then we're going to die alone"

ok here it goes....the day has arrived....big big big deep breath....i'm not sure i remember what life was like before Lost....what am i going to look forward to now???gearing up for the finale....i'm going to need these last 20 hours to figure out life after Lost...can.not.wait!

:)

"Don't look away, don't run away. Baby it's only life"

Ok so the season has officially changed.  We kinda slid right by Spring and are heading full on into Summer.  With the exception of some awesome spring-time thunderstorms and cool nights...Summer is right.around.the.corner :)  I'm a total believer in that seasonal mood disorder thing.  At the end of every season I've had enough, especially cold seasons.  I get grouchy and irritable and nobody is safe haha. 

For this very reason I decided that it's time for a new mix.  Most of my music is really good (I'm prideful enough to believe I have fairly good taste), but my kind of good good good music tends to be a little slow and chill.  I needed to get out of my winter time slumpy grumpy bluesy chill mood and find some upbeat get ready for the sun music.

So here ya go!  My May 2010 pray that it doesn't snow again or go below 50 degrees Mix!

1.  "Our Swords" - Band of Horses

2.  "Heaven is a Place on Earth" - Belinda Carlisle (nothing gets me in a good mood like the 80's)

3.  "All the Words" - The Bridges

4.  "Slowness" - Calexico (ok this one is pretty slow, but it just reeks of hot lazy summer days on my porch)

5.  "Back Together" - Citizen Cope

6.  "Hands" - Chantal Kreviazuk

7.  "Pony (it's ok)" - Erin McCarley

8.  "Afterglow" - Ian Axel

9.  "Running on Sunshine" - Jesus Jackson (the first line of this will make you fall in love with it :)

10.  "Spinster" - Joan Jett (spoiler alert:  This one has the f word.  She's an angry chick haha)

11.  "Come to Me" - Koop (has a total 50's dance hall feel)

12.  "Walking on Air" - Kerli  (p.s:  Kerli is kinda weird for those unaware, but totally awesome too :)

13.  "Bring Me Down" - Lenka

14.  "Stupid for You" - Marie Digby (SOOOO true hahahaha)

15.  "Your Love" - Midtown (seriously, the 80's will do it every time)

16.  "To Be With You" - Mr. Big (this one is on every mix I make.  It's my fave :)

17.  "Talk Show Host" - Radiohead (slooow, but i can actually see the wavy heat lines in the distance)

18.  "You Wouldn't Like Me" - Tegan and Sarah

19.  "Gotta Figure This Out" - Erin McCarley

20.  "Like a Prayer" - Glee Cast (Don't judge.  I love me some GLEE!!)

21.  "Take Me Anywhere" - Tegan and Sarah

22.  "It's Only Life" - Kate Voegle

23.  "Tea Party" - Kerli (from the Alice in Wonderland soundtrack :)

24.  "Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Glee Cast (sorry i cant help myself!)

25.  "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" - She & Him


So there you go!  It's long, but as most of you know, I have a problem with editing when it comes to music :)  Most of them have extra meaning because they literally relate to my life at the moment....but it puts me in a good mood, and it's not the radio!! 

Love and stuff :)

DeaL Breaker...

I like cute boys.
I like texting cute boys.
I like calling cute boys.
I like playing with cute boys.
but why is it ok for cute boys to text things like we should hang sometime
??????
um ok I am know thinking:
1) You have zero imagination and can’t even come up with the word movie - we should watch a movie sometime.
2) “Hang” is code for “hook up”. Ya I was 17 once.
3) You really want to see me, and aren’t man enough to admit it / are too cute and figure the girl will be falling all over herself to “hang” with you.
4) This puts the ball in my court. I don’t want the ball. The first ball in dating should never be in my court.
5) Your stupid overused phrase made me think too many complicated things, therefore I’m exhausted. You exhaust me.
I like cute boys.
This is a deal breaker.


loveandstuff...
:)

p.s
I am currently DROOLING over Jesse Williams from Grey's.

i would hang with him anytime ;)

planning...

So for as long as I can remember I've been writing down song lyrics that I hear that relate to whatever I'm going through at the time.  For the last few years I have been jotting them down in my planner because I use that at school and my ipod is glued to my head at school.  The other day I was listening to Regina Spektor's On the Radio for the 10 millionth time and the line "you try until you can't" hit me.  I wrote it down on the calendar and realized that this is my motto for life.  Life is not about giving up.  It's not about voluntary failure.  You try until you can't try anymore and then you can say that at least you tried. 

Lately I've been feeling that urge to just throw in the towel.  It's normal for this time of year I think.  School is winding down and getting hard and BORING and since I am not sure I want to do anything with my future degree, it's really feeling like a waste of time.  But I KNOW I have to finish.  I know it won't be a waste of time and hopefully somewhere along the road to the end I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up :)  and if I don't, I will just try to figure it out, until I can't.  However long that takes...

Love and Regina Spektor stuff :)

p.s.  I'm opening up the polls to find out the next place I should live.  I graduate in 8 months and basically the world is at my feet!  Leave a comment with your opinion of where I should move next!  Please keep in mind that I HATE all things freezing cold and super rainy and windy (I'm a weather snob) so Antartica, Alaska, and most parts of Canada will not be viewed as reasonable options :)