"Smile Like You Mean It..."

So there is this song by Mika called "Any Other World"...it's really good...go listen now. There is a part where he sings "smile like you mean it and let yourself go". There has always been this idea that you can fake yourself happy. If you put on a happy face and try to live positively even when life is literally killing you slowly, then eventually the goodness and happiness you put out into the world comes true. I'm personally here to tell you that i've been smiling like i mean it for about a month now and i'm only slightly beneath the notch above rock bottom...but that's not rock bottom and that's a very good thing.

I'm riding this feeling that just came over me about an hour ago and I'm really hoping I can hang onto it for a while. This last year has been so hard and it's slowly getting harder (and easier maybe?) in a lot of ways. I may have officially moved on from someone I never thought I would get over and that is so liberating and yet depressing at the same time. I feel like I have a very small window to make the right decision, and even though I know which decisions are the wrong ones, I still have no idea which way to go. I got a small glimpse of clarity tonight and I'm hoping my headstrong emotions don't get in the way again, at least for a little while.

I did a lot of walking in New York last week mainly because that's what we do in New York, but also because I had a lot of thinking to do and the only way i can get any thinking done is to literally move. My face was slightly braver and slightly happier there than it is right now, but the walking and the thinking still helped me move forward if only slightly.

I'm doing a lot of smiling lately. And crying. And hoping. And backtracking in the wrong direction. But mainly smiling. I hope someday soon I will start to mean it...

"these thoughts run through my head...over and over..."

things i love...as of April 25th...subject to change...

*This Anberlin song:  Paperthin Hymn (hence the title of this post... "I thought you said forever over and over")  It reminds of me of lunch breaks with Catey 4 years ago...

*Miriam.  She fixed my million dollar boots in less than 10 seconds.  Because she's Miriam and I knew she could.

*That I can count the days I have left in my linguistics class on ONE hand

*Two hour long conversations about things that we hate...mixed with way too much caffeine and way too much giggling and dirty jokes...

*Dirty jokes

*Early morning hikes before anyone else is out.

*80's and 90's movie marathons.  Just knocked out all 4 Screams and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Moving on to Jurassic Park and I Know What You Did Last Summer.

*KNOWING that I look like the creepy girl crawling out of the well on The Ring when I wake up and being pleasantly surprised walking past a mirror and realizing that washing my face before bed DOES work sometimes!

*Peanut butter banana toast

*Rediscovering my love for Seth Cohen

*Tuesday/Thursday early morning study dates with the criminal justice majors.  they are more fun than english majors.


what's irritating me right now...also subject to change

*That it is literally 80 degrees in this room (it is i checked) and I'm practically sweating, but my feet are freezing.

*People that get married / engaged / procreate and suddenly have new facebook and blog identities.  Like Sara Jones married Bobby Wright and their facebooks merge to become Sara and Bobby Wright.  Sick.  Or Sara Wright has babies and suddenly she is Jason and Sophie's mom.  Sicker.

*Unnecessary road rage.  I'm all for necessary and passive aggressive road rage that no one else can see, but flipping people off if you're over the age of 15?  Grow up people.

*That I'm in a strange town right now and I can't find a Starbucks.

*This act of God weather we've been having.  I just need it to be like 10 degrees warmer ok?  Then it can rain and hail all you want.

*That when my phone wakes me up in the middle of the night I have completely forgotten how to use it.  So I end up calling a random person, texting back something in another language, and not finding the off switch for the alarm so I just rip the battery off.  Not good when I need the alarm an hour later.

sometimes i just want to stay...

I heard that song again today. You know, that song, about that One, that reminds me of that time. It isn't hard to hear it. It's on the radio just about every 10 minutes, but I usually turn it off. I didn't this time.

It's amazing how much love I have for this song. It describes so many moments so perfectly and yet makes me kinda sad at the same time...If you listen to it really loud, with the lights off, it's almost like magic.

love &stuff...

how you know the semester is winding down...

1.  There are piles of clothes on my floor.  as in multiple.  as in some clean, some dirty, and they are getting big enough that now i'm not sure which is which.

2.  You will find me at any time of day or night, sitting in bed with layer upon layer of clothes because at one time or another i was hot, or cold and too lazy to take off the shorts to put on the sweats, thus the shorts, sweats, t shirt, sweatshirt, 2 pairs of socks combo going on right now.

3.  The Starbucks guy at barnes & noble knows my name.  and my order.  and my major.  and what paper i'm working on.  and what i'm listening to on itunes.

4.  The Starbucks guy or girl at any Starbucks in the general area knows my name.  and my order.  and my major.

5.  There are currently 3 giant mugs of tea, and 6 empty Starbucks / Moxie Java cups scattered about my room.  And not because I haven't cleaned my room in the last couple weeks.  But because I have accumulated them in the last 2 DAYS.

6.  My awesome organizational system that began the semester has completely broken down.  I'm living out of 3 school bags and basically running out of paper so I'm writing notes on whatever i can find and shoving them in whatever bag i happen to be carrying.  Not good when I get to linguistics with my shakespeare notes.

7.  Six papers due next week.  Not a single one started.

8.  Losing motivation for every single thing.  Including going to the gym, reading my assignments, going to class, going to work, writing papers, eating...this blog post...

9.  I'm choosing to reject the fact that winter is basically still hanging around.  I wore shorts, flip flops, and a cardigan yesterday.  It snowed, hailed, and rained.

10.  I washed my sheets.  Two weeks ago.  They are laying around somewhere in the before mentioned piles of clothes...

11.  I am in possession of  more library books than books i own because of 300 research papers that i am about to write.

12.  5th (and hopefully last) parking ticket paid!

13.  I get distracted by componential analysis while i'm taking a bubble bath.  and have to get out.

"just looking at a cheesburger makes me gain 5 pounds..."

ok confession time.  I'm a total stalker.  In high school this word could have possibly been used literally to describe me (don't judge, I liked a lot of boys, I had a car, and a very boring life...ok judge a little...) but now I save my stalking for the blog world.  I've ran across quite a few blogs lately that I love to read, mainly because these women have such hopeful outlooks on life.  They aren't perfect and most of them struggle daily and I can relate so much sometimes I forget I don't know them in the "real world".

Lately all of these lovely bloggers have been bombarding me with posts about food, recipes on how to make food, and ideas of where to go get food.  Don't get me wrong, I love food more than I love my grandma (joke...kinda), but my culinary skills involve knowing how to choose diet coke over regular and making a kick ass batch of mac and cheese...from a box.

Cooking has never been very necessary for me.  I live within about 3 blocks from 4 McDonalds and I work in an Italian restaurant.  Basically someone else always does it for me.  When I lived in New York I was a take out/delivery pro.  Pretty much every day someone showed up on my doorstep with dinner and if it wasn't the cafe down the street, it was Rachel with a bag of dove dark chocolates...also considered dinner.

So now, all these bloggers that I stalk religiously are making me rethink my food related goals in life.  I, Meaghan, want to learn how to cook.  I pride myself on those 2 times I successfully made a turkey with only about 6 phone calls to mom, so...how hard can it be...right?  I hear Thanksgiving dinner is supposed to be the hardest so I must have natural talent for cooking...right?

RIGHT???  We'll see.  These food blog posts are seriously making me consider dropping out of school so I can practice making...wait for it...COOKIE DOUGH CINNAMON ROLLS...I mean, seriously, I think I just fell in love.

 

get some here :)

LOVELOVELOVE &STUFF :)

P.S...36 more days until NYC...

want to know what i did today??

ok so I'm not gonna lie...these last few months basically sucked.  I'm generally a usually the glass is half full kind of person, but lately my glass has been looking pretty empty and these last few weeks...bone dry.  school sucks, drama sucks, work sucks...boys really suck :(...and to make matters worse...all of it, I'm talking ALL of it, is basically stemming from some seriously mega bad decision making on my part.

I'm typically the responsible, run and tell on everyone who does bad things (including myself) kind of girl.  I once felt so guilty about breaking a rule that I told my mom I did it, 5 whole minutes after I did it.  My conscience gets the best of me every.single.time which is why I think my entire state of being is in shock over the mistake that I'm currently digging myself out of.  And holy hell it's a doozy.  

Sooooo....because I'm also the type of girl who sometimes needs to just run away for a bit, and because I fully believe that this is true:

 

my very best friend and I are running, (well flying actually) away.

 

It's been 1 year since I've stood on my favorite street corner, with my favorite NYC friend...

 

Or taken the subway to my favorite stop that I called home.

 

So basically it's been long enough.  I need a break.  I need to find myself again and it seems like the only place I can ever really do that is right on those streets, the only place I've ever felt at home...

and because there is only so long one can go without a really good red velvet cupcake :)

love &stuff:)

Muggle Hater (Harry Potter)